If Twitter Were An Airline…

This would be the pre-flight safety speech:

When the “something is technically wrong” sign illuminates, you must fasten your seat belt. Insert the metal fittings one into the other, and tighten by pulling on the loose end of the strap. To release your seat belt, lift the upper portion of the buckle. We suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened throughout the experience, as we will most definitely experience downtime.

There are several emergency exits on this website. Please take a few moments now to locate your nearest exit. And keep in mind, your nearest exit may be FriendFeed. When we need to evacuate Twitter.com, tweet-level lighting will guide you towards FriendFeed. Doors can be opened by moving the mouse in the direction of the double F. Each door is equipped with a shiny icon which can also be detached and used as a blogger life line.

Server load and the databases are always being monitored. In the event of another massive failure, an oxygen mask will automatically drop from a screen on your desk. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and bitch uncontrollably. If you are conversing with another Twitter-addicted noise generator, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other tweeter. Keep your mask on until ISTwitterDown.com has a big “NO” on the screen.

In the event of a Twitter outage, please assume the bracing position.

Another social network is located in a bookmark under your menu or between the mouse buttons. This is how you use it. Gently take your fingers and type “w-w-w.f-r-i-e-n-d-f-e-e-d-.-c-o-m” into your web browser. If you need to get the attention of the other passengers (bloggers), blow into your blog. Use the “like” and “comment” buttons to attract attention. Also, your blog can be used as an ego flotation device.

The following electronic devices (computers, mobile phones, laptop computers) may be used when the downtime sign is off. Once the downtime sign has illuminated, all Twitter-enabled devices must be turned off and stowed away otherwise we’ll never get our servers back up again.

You will find this but very little other downtime information in the browser located in the screen in front of you. We’re too busy keeping our servers up to bother informing our passengers of every outage. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask one of the other passengers. We wish you all a twit-tastic experience and, with any luck, your tweet will arrive at its destination on time.”

And despite all the crashes, all the bloggers would keep getting on the plane.

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