How To Handle Negative or Annoying Feedback (Without Blowing Your Lid)

Apparently, when I talk about my family, it can be annoying.

At least that’s the feedback I got from a subscriber earlier this week. This person sent me a private email (which will remain private) in response to an email to my list where I mentioned that I was hanging with my kids and my wife was out of town.

It was annoying, she said. I should stick to business.

I replied to her. Whether it was right of me to do or not, this is what I said:

If you want to find out more about me, go to my blog. But, feel free to unsubscribe. Its great that you like the info I provide, but telling me you’re annoyed because I talk about my family on my own personal blog – I really don’t care. The blog has my name on it for a reason. My family is important to me. Enuf said.

Over the top? Its possible. She replied at first telling me I should listen to reader feedback rather than responding that way, then another email she apologized and said she should never have brought it up. I ended it off with:

Of course I take feedback from my readers… but one thing I won’t do is stop being myself. And, not to mention how it comes off when somebody tells you they’re annoyed when you talk about your kids.

But, I know email sometimes doesn’t translate well. So, that’s fine. Have a good evening.

And that last part is important to note… things DO often get misconstrued when in writing. We don’t get the inflection of their voice or any other visual cues, so it is easy to take things the wrong way. And it is quite possible that both of us did that.

But, being the blogger I am, it led me to this question…

What is appropriate when it comes to responding to reader feedback? How should you handle it? Especially when it rubs you the wrong way.

I’ve been in this business for a damn long time. Over the years, I’ve gotten my share of negative feedback. I’ve been called names. I’ve been told what I’m doing sucks.

It happens.

You can’t stick your head above the crowd without somebody trying to shoot it off. It is just a fact of life.

The thing to keep in mind is that the overwhelming majority of people aren’t like that. Additionally, everybody has a bad day from time to time. They say something shitty that they later look back on and regret.

When you’re dealing with a public platform like a blog, you’re going to get people from all mindsets. Some are optimistic while others are pessimists. Some praise success while others have an instinctual need to rip on it. Some are having a good day while others just need to bitch-smack something – anything. And it might as well be you.

I thought I would share a few of my own guiding principles on how I deal with this…

#1 – Never Sacrifice Your Integrity

… and by integrity, I mean staying true to yourself.

The moment you feel the need to sacrifice something of yourself to satisfy a reader, you’ve lost. It is your blog and your castle and ultimately you get to do what you want with it.

People will respect a blogger who stays true to their guns and speaks their mind. Sure, some will disagree, but that’s par for the course. Your job is to simply be yourself and those who “click” with you will gravitate to you. Let the others find somewhere else to go.

#2 – Decide Whether It Is Worth It To Engage

You don’t owe everybody a reply when they give you feedback. If they’re just being an ass, delete it and forget about it.

Quite honestly, one of the best tacts you could take to really hostile feedback is to ignore them. Don’t flow them any power. Screw ‘em.

Of course, making that judgement and/or having the willpower to do it can be difficult. When we’re attacked, we feel the need to respond and, well, counter-attack. But, it doesn’t help at all and is really nothing more than our reactive need to be seen as the winner of an argument. But, be an adult. There doesn’t need to be a winner. Because it really doesn’t matter who thinks they’re right. And you gain nothing but a childish desire fulfilled to have them run off feeling wrong.

Now, I want to be VERY careful not to give the impression that I’m saying to ignore all negative feedback. NOT AT ALL! There is a distinct difference between being an outright asshole and giving criticism. And I think most of us can tell the difference.

I responded to the reader above because she wasn’t being a bad person. I could tell she was probably a nice lady. But, yes, I was annoyed at what she said. So, I responded because I like to respond to emails from my readers, but I kept it honest.

#3 – Realize that the RIGHT people are more important than ANY people.

So many bloggers get so hung up on our subscriber counts, visitor counts and all those NUMBERS that it is easy to get worked up over an annoyed reader. With that viewpoint, it is easy to get upset if somebody threatens to stop reading your blog or unsubscribe. Oh no! Less readers!

But, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…

Having the RIGHT people on your blog is more important than having just anybody who fogs up a mirror. There is such a thing as a TARGET AUDIENCE. And guess what… Not everybody in this world is part of your target audience.

And “target audience” isn’t just a matter of mutual interest. It can (and should) include shared viewpoints, shared aims, and compatible personalities.

So, if somebody threatens to unsubscribe because of something you did – especially when you’re just being yourself – LET them unsubscribe. Let them find another blog to read. It isn’t anything personal… they just aren’t your target audience.

There have been a few times over the years where I’ll get a particularly nasty email from somebody on my list. They almost always threaten to unsubscribe (its just what they do). And what do I do? I reply to them and tell them I’ve done it for them. And, yes, I actually remove them from my mailing list. Because I don’t want them there. If they bother to threaten something like that, they’ve proven to me they’re not in my target audience.

So, What About You?

So, that’s my two cents.

I know it can be tough dealing with this kind of things. Some of us take negative feedback more personally than others. Ultimately, it comes down to your own personal sense of confidence. It is SO much easier to operate in this world when you don’t require the approval of other people. Just keep that in mind.

Now, time for you to chime in. Is dealing with negative feedback a tough thing for you? How do you handle it?

Like what you read?

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http://www.ericasays.com Erica Mueller

I’d say you did well. It is YOUR space, and like you said, staying true to yourself is very important.

As far as talking about personal stuff, I think there are probably twice as many people who appreciate that you’re REAL and that you actually share a small bit of your personal life, than there are people who are annoyed. Really, when I go to a blog, I LIKE to see a real person.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10618874 Chase Sherman

David, I was at the Internet Marketing Party this last Wednesday in San Diego. Frank Kern was the guest speaker and his speech focused on not concerning yourself with people who don’t like you – to just completely cut them out of your life. And, most importantly, serve the people who truly do want to hear what you have to say.

In your case, it might have been best to ignore that comment.

Thanks for the post.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Possibly. Frank is right. But, the lady who said this to me wasn’t being abusive by any means. If she were, I’d just delete it.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Thanks, Erica.
http://twitter.com/familyfrugal Heather Shaw

Now, time for you to chime in. Is dealing with negative feedback a tough thing for you? How do you handle it?

A huge enormous resounding YES!

I’m not doing well with the negative feedback now that I’m getting *bigger*. Someone accused me of scamming my readers with a giveaway last night and I was almost in tears. It NEVER occurred to me that anyone would ever think I was a scam, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with how much it deeply hurt me.

So at this time, I handle it by crying and hiding I hope to get better at this. I am going to have to grow a backbone if I continue to grow.
http://website-in-a-weekend.net/ Dave Doolin

Not sure what about “David Risley dot Com” is unclear. On most of my sites, I don’t talk about myself at all. I reserve that for “David Doolin dot Com.” =)

My guess is that you just caught a little backlash for something else going on.
Anonymous

Bless you sir. Personally, I think you handled this very well. Bordering on perfect I’d say! I agree with what you say in this post 100% and I admire your guts. You help inspire me because I tend to be more of a people pleaser, but I do not necessarily think that is a good thing! As for talking about your family, I always enjoy it! I think it helps make you a person and not just cold business adviser. If you rambled on and on, that would be different. But you do not. A few brief mentioned of your family is not only ok in my book, but a good strategy. You seem to have a wonderful family life and being a blogger obviously enhances that, so in that respect it is indeed part of your message. Maybe she is stuck in a corporate job and her kids are getting beat up at day care everyday which makes her unhappy. Who knows. You just keep rocking on dude.
Anonymous

Your site has your name on it, you can do whatever you want. Oh, but wait, what about all the business lessons about talking about the customer and not about yourself? But then there is the whole “make your posts personal?” What’s a person to do?

When it comes to sharing stuff about my life outside of my site, I use it only when it relates to a topic such as using it for illustration.

Now, if someone says in a newsletter “I’m writing this as my kids are playing in the park” well, that’s up to them. I don’t care either way. Want to tell a short story about something that just happened? Sure, as long as your newsletter has other content then I’m cool with it. As a parent, it’s fun to hear stories from other parents.

As for dealing with negative feedback, I follow these personal rules;
1. Review it. Do they have a legit point? Maybe I overstepped a line and posted something I shouldn’t. If I’m wrong, I take corrective actions and apologize to them.
2. View it in scope. If it’s a minor point of debate. I’ll write a short response saying we each have our own views.
3. Complete disagreement? Name-calling? If they write a long letter explaining why then I’ll read it and respond. Short letter – ignore them. However, when it comes to those longer disagreements, I can either bullet point our differences or be brief. All depends on if I think the relationship can be saved or if they are too far gone.
Wally Conger

Great post, David. I’ve gotta admit that I take ridiculously negative comments too personally. But I generally ignore them. And if they’re REAL abusive, I just do ‘em a favor and delete them from my list. I hate to see people unhappy!
http://www.handymancraftywoman.com/ Handy Man, Crafty Woman

OH NO, you talked about your family for a minute, gasp!! the absolute HORROR!

Instead of complaining, why don’t they just stop reading or unsubscribe? I don’t get people that take the time to make negative comments (or emails!) My blog is small, so I haven’t gotten many negative comments yet, but I have deleted a couple.
Kelly

Totally agree with Erica! I think bits of your personal life make you real and more relatable. Our personal lives all contribute to who we are. Don’t change.
http://onlinebusinessgym.com Marion Ryan

David

Spot on with your response and the good points you make in this blog post. I read the comment you made in your email about your wife being away but it’s not as if you shared lots of inappropriate or irrelevant details. For me, it’s these personal details that make an ‘expert’ real, engaging and memorable.

I’ve seen two or three of my favourite bloggers getting some stick from commenters on their blogs recently and I’ve taken it as a reminder to me that the more successful I become the less likely I am to meet with universal approval so I’d better stop hoping that everyone will love me all the time. Hell, I don’t even like myself all the time.

It’s true also, as you’ve said, that we all have shit days when something rubs us up the wrong way and we express our feelings as your person did and maybe re-think our viewpoint later on. On the giving end, I have learnt – most of the time – to consider carefully whether the person needs to hear my view anyway. On the receiving end I’ve learnt to consider the truth of their comment, thank them for sharing their thought and to take from it anything that is useful and dump the rest.

Marion
http://escapehatcher.com Escape Hatcher

We live in the era of authenticity…that is what being an entrepreneur is these days…so for her to go there, not only rude (since its YOUR blog and its your KIDS – most important thing in life), but its actually quite odd. Apparently she doesn’t understand the current trends, what’s working for people.
http://www.loving1withmentalillness.com Debra

Loved this post! I am a mother, grandmother, and just started a blog/website last month so I read this with great interest and learned several important lessons. I expecially believe in always being true to your purpose, your authentic voice. Personally, I am grateful for your informative blogs which you offer free to people and sharing the tidbits about your family helps your readers to understand you as a person. Thanks for all that you offer.
David Coleman

Family is SO important. For a lot of us, it’s the main reason we’re here—to support and provide!

Personally, I enjoy hearing that you’re a real person, with a life beyond the walls of internet marketing. Continuing on 24/7 about blogging and IM would drive all of us crazy, don’t you think?!

Keep up the good work, David! And do let us know what’s happening in your REAL world every so often. Some of us do enjoy hearing about it!

David Coleman
http://www.hypno4success.com Susanfrench2010

Hey David,
I love your blog and I love the personalization of stories from my life. As a therapist (Clinical Hypnotherapist) I know there are divergent opinions in our community as well. I’m a big blabber mouth and what’s on my mind is often on my tongue, I’m pretty much a WYSIWYG.I love the way you reframed this experience and shared it with us. Me, personally, I get so much from people’s experience, strength and hope shared. This situation kind of fits.What I learned from a couple of collegues, and what I try to remember but often fail and just end up the big blabber-mouth lovable person I am, is that any sharing that you can reframe as in the third person, people resonate with. It’s just a human behavior thing. When I use a story to make a point,I try, try, try to remember to make it into a story about someone I know: a client, a friend, someone I read about, etc.Actually, I think that really literal, down-the-line left brainers can sometimes think you’re wasting their time because they don’t get the connection. Like you’re wasting their time talking about yourself. Bless the poor creatures. I’m so glad I’m not a hard-core left brainer. Life seems just too weird. We creative types tend more to right-brained or hemi-brained function and I’m certain have a much better time. In fact, I’ve wondered if they’ve ever done brain studies on autistic people or people with asperbergers. I wonder if there is a left-brain dominance, unable to connect with right-brain function, but that’s my field.In the meantime, forgive the long comment. I hope it’s useful. I love your blog. I love your service. I always feel that I’m given something without money being extracted, which is a really important feeling to me. I get kind of sour when experts guard and disperse their expertise with a pricetag like dog’s in the manger. Not my cup of tea, but whatever.Talk soon.Thanks.Susan FrenchClinical Hypnotherapisthttp://www.hypno4success.com
Adam Piplica

Not tough at all. I just delete and get on with my life. (assuming it’s not something I’ve done ‘wrong’). Don’t want to bother with the drama.
http://www.facebook.com/workwithliz Elizabeth Pratt

I am glad you talk about your family, I talk about my family all the time. That is what builds trust and allows others to connect, not just another company with no personality.

The reason I work from home is so I can be with my family, talk about my kids, and attend all events that I want.   I think people who are still stuck in the corporate environment do not get it! When I had a JOB, my boss would get mad if one of my kids were sick, or there was a school event. My employer even asked us not to have pictures of family on our desk.   Little things like that pushed me to work extra hard to work from home online. Now my husband, friends, and followers can listen to rants about my 4 kids all day and night. Plus of course, I throw in some business for fun!

This is what makes life and business enjoyable.   I feel sorry for the person who sent you this comment as a way to be feedback for you. Her mindset is going to make it difficult for her to build a following for her business.

Keep on sharing!   We love it!
http://www.homestudiocorner.com Joe Gilder

I recently had a guy reply to one of my emails with something along the lines of “I will never pay for the information you sell. I can get it for free from forums and professionals. What qualifies you anyway?” So on and so forth.

I replied once…the next time I didn’t reply. I just removed him from my mailing list and never told him.
Sharron Field

“They almost always threaten to unsubscribe (its just what they do). And
what do I do? I reply to them and tell them I’ve done it for them.”

That is just so the sound of a master at work. – All power to you Dave. It’s your blog and it’s you who’s in control. – No more need be said. (Thumbs up.)
http://www.fix-it-blog.com Monte

Back in the day of News Groups sometimes you would post a question or reply to a question and some yo-yo would feel it was their duty to jump on you with both feet.

If I post something on my blog or web sites and I am wrong ok, let me know and I will correct it.

But if you are negitive you will not get a reply, straight in the ‘ol dumpster wit ya.

The saying is: “Don’t feed the Trolls” because once you answer it is a vicious circle that never ends, best to forget it and move on.

You were very tactful but stood your ground, as my frinds in Oz say: “Gud on ya Mate!”
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Good rules.
http://ciaoflorentina.com/2011/05/17/rustic-no-knead-bread-recipe/ Ciao Florentina

Sounds to me like someone who was missing that in their own life or it was something they lost, so therefor it was annoying hearing /reading about someone who was enjoying that.
I think it’s the same kind of annoyance someone experiences when a friend brags about their European vacation while they are stuck at work and can’t afford to take a day off. People have issues and instead of talking to a therapist they take it up with us bloggers b/c it is much safer and we are here to please our readers after all. There’s my complimentary analysis
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

That’s what I woulda done.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Yeah, that occurred to me.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Well said.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Maybe. Its OK. It was useful as motivation for a blog post, though.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Yes, you will. But, keep it in perspective. I’m guessing that, out of all your visitors, the ones who do that are a VERY small percentage of the whole.
http://www.cachandochile.com Margaret

You did the right thing. She has a right to express her opinion (wants you to stick to the point), and you have a right to handle your blog the way you want (family counts). Then you either agree to disagree or go your separate ways.
I usually give negative feedback a good thinking-over, respond, and if they get abusive, just ignore them. I don’t delete the comment unless it is offensive or abusive. If someone is being an idiot, I figure my other readers will figure that out for themselves… but also see that I am not censoring and that I am open to differing opinions.
Sharon

Ditto, Ditto and Ditto again!

Good information brought me here. Good information and a REAL, authentic and relatable human being keeps me coming back.
http://www.ericasays.com Erica Mueller

Sharon,

This is exactly why I’m a fan of David’s and why I keep coming back too,
and recommending him. He’s real, and that’s hard to find.
http://www.facebook.com/heike.miller Heike Miller

I like it when you share your private comments as well, but then… I am not jealous of someone who has a nice family life. I actually think this woman doesn’t have a family life and probably gets annoyed reading about it because it kind of rubs it in for her. When people feel wounded about something they rant about others who seem to have what they don’t have and don’t want to hear or read about it either. Others would just read it, smile about your comment with the kids because they can relate to a family life and then focus on the business topic.
http://escapehatcher.com Escape Hatcher

Yeah, we used to live in the era of separating business and life…just like we used to live in the era of “customer is always right” not so anymore…new way of seeing things…ever evolving – business
http://escapehatcher.com Escape Hatcher

Yeah, we used to live in the era of separating business and life…just like we used to live in the era of “customer is always right” not so anymore…new way of seeing things…ever evolving – business
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

[blush]
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Agreed. This lady was not being abusive in any way, so I don’t want to give that impression. She was just giving me her opinion, and I respect that. I just disagree.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Noted.

I don’t know if jealousy was involved. I mean, I wasn’t bragging. I was just saying I was hanging with the kids. He did make a comment that only men say things like…. but, whatever.
http://davidrisley.com David Risley

Yeah, I never subscribed to the “customer is always right” mantra. Sorry, sometimes they’re not.

BTW, you going to be at Ryan Lee’s event this year? I recall you were there last year. I will be again.
http://wineandwalnuts.com/wordpress/ Kimberly Houston

How I feel is, when it gets to the point that my blog posts or e-mails are actually getting negative feedback, then I’ll know I’ve made it! : )
I’ve been blogging for close to two years, and it hasn’t happened yet. Then again, I blog about food and wine, so maybe people just don’t get lathered over such a non-controversial topic. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough!
On a more serious note, you’re so right about just being yourself and letting your tribe gravitate toward you, and those who have an issue, well, they’re not part of your tribe anyway; better they go on away then.
And personally, I LOVE reading your e-mails about family! I find it wildly charming the way you talk about your kids and how you sometimes have to be the primary caretaker while your wife is working/traveling/doing other things. Rock on, Dad! ; )
http://www.facebook.com/people/Katja-Elsner/100001745710525 Katja Elsner

I think
most of us got some problems with feedbacks. Feedback – it doesn’t matter if it’s
positive or negative – is needed as a mirror. But really: mirrors can be awful.
That’s life.

But nobody
needs threats. So just see the difference and get rid of the threats.

I am pretty
new in the business and so I really appreciate your guidelines and all the
comments for my own acting.

Well, I got
the same email and I realized that you are maybe more occupied by your kids these
days. But I also could read some interesting business stuff in this email.

Both sides
are important for me. There are a lot of strangers online and there are so few
people I know in real life too. So when it comes to trust, I like to know that the
people out there are real and have a real life. Then it’s much easier for me to
decide if I want to learn from especially this person.

So as well
as I like the reports about business experiences, I like the tiny personal bits.

I
appreciate her email to you because it led you to a very interesting post.
Nicholas Penrake

Hey David, with you on that. Totally. Sadly there’s always going to be one or two miserable people out there who want to take a pop at you for just being yourself. I think it’s a good point you raise in 2 – is it really worth engaging with people who do this? Very often it is not – one, they drain you, two, you tend to find whatever you say only inflames their sense of righteousness even further. A very honest post. For my money, Dave, you can talk about your family as much as you like Nic
Jean

David,
Sharing about your family, at least for me, makes you ‘real’ and someone I can relate to.
Thanks for the tips. I think responding to feedback is important except when it’s obviously abusive.
Looking forward to your next post.
http://www.veggiegardener.com/ Tee Riddle

David, I think you handled it pretty well. I recently had to deal with something like this for the first time. The person was very belligerent towards me, called me a few choice names, and so on.

You know, it really bothered me. I mean this is someone that I’ve never met, and never spoke to before, even in a one-on-one email.

I was holding a giveaway on my site. Well, out of the blue I get an email from someone calling me a ”lying rat bastard weasel”.

I replied back apologizing for upsetting him, and asking what I could have done to deserve such language. He replied with more foul language, and also stated that he is reporting me to CAN-SPAM and to Facebook (part of the giveaway was on Facebook).

I just couldn’t fathom why someone would get so angry over a giveaway!. It was just a stupid $30 item, but still.

Good thing I didn’t ask him to buy something. He may have nuked my neighborhood.
http://escapehatcher.com Escape Hatcher

no, wish I was…GREAT event last year…and great meeting you in person…but for a REALLY GOOD reason – speaking of families…my husband and I just adopted a beautiful baby girl from Ethiopia…so I am staying close to home for now and am happily on mommy duty. :-)

Have fun!
Viktor

Man, keep it up. Always love to hear of your personal side. That makes you human and build trust. Thank you for this post. I was encouraged. Pls. keep sharing your personal things as you wish….
Anonymous

I always enjoy reading about people who work and talk about family. There are way too many people who act like family are just a distraction, roadblock, or just a mill stone around their neck. Family is what I live for. Nice to see you do, too.
http://www.biggirlbranding.com/about Big Girl Branding

Yep I think you handled it well too. I’ve had a few similar experiences, either because I’m moving into monetization more and folks think my most recent email is “too salesy” or because I get too personal and folks think I need to stick to biz. lol It gives a bit of a twinge at the time it’s happening because we are wired a bit I think to get hung up on numbers. But I’ve learned to just let it wash because at the end of the day those folks are probably not folks I want any sort of relationship with anyway. Great post David.
http://www.stevescottsite.com/ Steve Scott Site

Her “feedback” seems way off base. It think it’s important to talk about personal experiences/relationships…even if you run a business blog. These are the *reasons why* you want an Internet income in the first place – To spend more time doing what you love and being the people you love.

David – I think your point #2 was important. Sometimes it’s best to hit the ole delete button. For me, it’s tempting to lash out at the haters. But often it’s best to ignore ‘em and press on. What do you think?

David Risley dot com

David Risley dot com

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